How Do You Wish to Bloom?

Ok..I am busted. In my last post, I promised to be a good blogger and that was in...well...January. I know that is lamer than lame, but in all honesty, I have spent the past few months doing some really important work in finding out just what it is I want to say and share with you all. I have taken some time to do some really intensive personal reflection and have come across some really phenomenal women who have helped me in that journey. I share with you, one of those women...Jamie Ridler of Jamie Ridler Studios and she is a mentor in sharing how to live a creative and authentic life..It is her question that is the subject of this post. How do I wish to bloom? It would be easy to say that I wish to bloom with vibrant color and strength. I would love to attract many bees and leave them feeling nourished for having met me...and those statements would be true. But, I can feel that I want more than that and it has taken me until recently to discover why. For most of my life, I have felt that I just did not fit in...I was a wildflower in a garden of roses. I have often felt that I was just really trying to grow in the wrong garden or conditions...I needed more water and sunshine than most. I wanted to take more time to grow than the rest..I wanted to drink in the sunshine and let it warm my face for longer than was allowed. I was not really a good flower in the garden..I felt rebellious or inadaquate most of the time. It felt like I was always stretching to reach that elusive sunbeam, just out of my reach. A perfectionist, my blooms were just not as good or good enough or plentiful enough and I spent way too much time comparing my color and strengths to those around me. I have had people in my life, well meaning people, who have told me that I am too much of a dreamer. I have been told that to think that I can be an artist for a living is not realistic. I have heard, "Sure, everyone wishes they could stay home and be creative all day, but that is not reality." How many times have I been told to just go get a job??? Granted, reality means bills and responsibilities and I can't just piddle along day to day having a party, not getting serious about getting my art out there...after all..a flower's bloom can't be appreciated if it is seen by no one! I get that. But, miraculously, after some 50 odd years, I can say that I have had an epiphany...and I say to those who say that living the creative life and following my dreams is not a reality..."Bull Hockey"! It may not be THEIR reality, but it is MINE. In fact, I doubt that their "reality" is even theirs, at all. It is probably the reality that has been thrust on them by those who say so in their lives. This little bloom has realised something and it feels darn good. I AM A CREATIVE BEING. I WAS CREATED TO EXPRESS MYSELF CREATIVELY. Boy, that feels good. Whenever I have not been my true self and have tried to be a rose, instead of a wildflower, I have been miserable and have felt like I did not belong. But, here is the revelation...I am the one planting MYSELF in those gardens..and another revelation...being different does not mean I do not belong! I can bloom among roses, wildflowers or weeds...It is my choice and no one elses. How others see me does not change who I am. My dreams are important and are ordained by the One who made me. That does not mean that I will not have my struggles and days of significant wilting, where I wonder when the next drink of water is coming from. But, what it does mean, is that I can release myself from trying to fit that square peg into a round hole. How freeing...and I have come to know that I am not a bloom that is meant to stand alone, either. I have joyfully discovered that there are many wildflowers out there and bees, too, who are like me and I have been fed creative and inspirational nourishment from their example. I thank Andrea of ABCcreativity.com for her phenomenal inspiration and daily affirmation that I am worthy of all good things and that God supports me in living out my creative dreams. I thank Kelly Rae Roberts for her vision of sharing her positive energy and support of others on their quest through her "Taking Flight" ecourse... and Jamie Ridler, who is so committed to helping others find their authentic life and live it. I have been a bee, drinking in their life giving nectar and have been so recharged. I encourage all of you out there, yearning for more in your lives..more peace, joy, laughter, moments that are real and intimate, to explore the possibilities and check out what these women have to offer. As for me, how do I want to bloom? I want to bloom with all the intensity and energy that I have to give...with a gratitude for all that my Creator has blessed me to be..uniquelly me. I may not ever be the prize winning speciman of my species...I may just stay in that garden and bloom and die to bloom again...each time, stronger and smarter and hopefully, attractive to bees who can take some inspiration and use it in their lives. It doesn't mean I don't still have to stretch myself to reach that sunbeam..there is work ahead, for sure. But, I am not alone...I am surrounded by those who are here to support me..I am watched over by angels and a God who is in my corner and most importantly, holding the water can, knowing just the right moment I need a drink. I am in a garden of the most wonderful flowers and we are all different and valuable. It is the array of multi colors that fuse together to create a beautiful, one of a kind, work of art. The bees we attract not only take pollen from us, but spread the pollen from others to us...so, in all things, we are blessed. So, the journey ahead is one full of hope and I plan to share each moment I can with you, in hopes that you may leave refreshed and inspired to ask yourself this question... I ask you...little flower...How do you want to bloom?

Here's to New Beginnings!

2010! A fresh new year ahead of us, a pristine clean slate, just waiting for some new entries..what a wonderful feeling! Looking back on the past year, I have already had my sentimental indulgence as I recollected all that 2009 held for me, good and bad. I am blessed to say that in remembering, I had many occassions for smiles...recalling the sweet memories of times spent with precious family and friends..of adoring hugs and kisses from the little lights of my life, my granddaughters, Emily Ann and Madison Grace. I gave thanks for the blessed moments of celebration...Maddie's first birthday, where she had her first taste of sugar and fit as much cake into her little mouth as was possible! Then, there was Thanksgiving and the gratitude for family, as we sat around our parents dining table that has been handed down to my brother since their passing.We shared a fine meal, amidst much laughter and a bit of tears as we raised our glasses to toast the extraordinary mother and father who are so dearly missed. It is at those times that I give thanks for a grief so deep that I can weep after all these years. It is the evidence of a love that was just as deep and a blessing that will never grow old or die. The past year had several of those kind of moments..a time for tears at losing those I love and cherish so much. But, to never have tears to shed would mean not having much of a life to speak of...and I would not want to be spared the tears if it meant being spared the gift of their presence in my life, no matter how brief or long. So, after all of these smiles, tears, laughter and reflection, I have come to this conclusion... I have been truly blessed and in the coming year, I feel a passion and actually, a responsibilty to give back for all that I have been given. In that spirit, I have decided to require more of myself to live a life that is truly present, truly grateful, truly creative and passionate about the gifts that have been bestowed upon me. This stage of life has a life force all it's own and I feel like there is a fire burning from within..I guess it is time to take those hot flashes and put them to use and transfer them from body to soul! Look out world!! I think that should help create a more interesting blog..one that has more than 4 entries a year! I am sure there are not many out there who continued to follow after that pitiful representation, but I hope to win you back. I have had many people ask me to share what life is like at Wildberry Cottage and have expressed a desire to get to know "The Girl Beyond the Gate"..me. Well, my hope is to take you to the cottage and to my other home, "Daylily House" in Ct., to share the things that make my life so magical...perhaps a treasured recipe, or family tradition, a decorating idea or picture of something that inspired me...a craft or art project or just a simple joy that might bring a smile to your face. I plan to share who I am and hope you will be inspired to share who you are with me, so that we may share our journeys together. So, let us begin...may we all embrace the coming year with hope, gratitude, creative vision and a passion to live large! Happy and brightest blessing to you all and welcome 2010!!

Hello, Dear Friends...

Well, a ridiculous ammount of time has passed since my last posting. Honestly, the reason for that was that I could not seem to face my last entry about losing my wonderful dog, Brady. The grief over losing that precious friend has been deeper than I ever imagined. But, I am ready to move on and want to share the blessings of this life of mine. There is so much to be thankful for and Brady will always be a part of that for me. I want to thank all of you dear friends who offered kind words, support and compassion to me after his loss. What a precious gift you have given me. We are not alone on this journey of ours and it means so much to know that there are those willing to walk alongside and share their joys and sorrows. Truly..you blessed me beyond measure!

So! Time to go forward to as a favorite song of mine says,"Live your life with arms wide open. Today is how your book begins..the rest is still unwritten." In that spirit, let me attempt to begin another chapter and bring you up to speed a bit on what is going on with this wildberry girl. The little granddaughter in my previous post is over a year old already and a miraculous joy in my life! I get to just play three times a week and have her to myself while my daughter works...how fun is that? She is a little imp, overflowing with personality and smiles..I never imagined that being a Gramma was going to be such fun..I get to have the best of both worlds..a little one to watch learn and grow and also, my "big girl" granddaughter, Emily, who is now 8 years old and so much fun to be with. We love to talk about fairies and angels and she has a thousand questions! She lives far away, so I don't see her as often, but she is always in my heart. I find this stage of life to be such a creative and powerful time. It is as if all of my creative energy and passion for life has multiplied and taken on a life of it's own. I find I know myself more than I ever have and I feel comfortable in my own skin. It is a nice perk, amidst all of the hot flashes and the endless little surprises that come with this age of mine. My hair is about 50% grey now and I just can't bring myself to dye it..I like it. It seems like a rite of passage or something. I don't feel like I want to look younger than I am...with joy and laughter, let the wrinkles come! To me, they are evidence of a life filled with emotion..proof that there is life in these bones and the story has just begun a new chapter! Well, I suppose that this all sounds so lofty and grand and I am just so in control of my life and at peace with all around me..ha! Give me a minute or two and when the next hot flash hits, we will see how I do..all I can say is, "Thank goodness my husband doesn't read this blog or he would probably tell you a very different story!" But, for now...for tonight...all is right with my world. My children are safe..my grandchildren are happy..and I have a warm roof over my head on this chilly New England evening. A cup of Chai Tea before going to bed and we can call it a day to truly be thankful for.